Family Update : Mother's Day Edition

Another week has come and gone in our little corner of Crazytown! I apologize for the delay in getting this week's post finished, but this is the first time I have had the time and mental capacity to write anything! Well...maybe the mental capacity thing is kind of a stretch...but I'm gonna give it my best shot! =)

Monday was an at home day for Nate and I. He was happy to relax and watch Super Why while I did some stuff for work and a teensy bit of housework. Tuesday was a much more fun day for my little guy, while Dill was in school we met up for a play date at the park with my dear friend Jen and her youngest daughter Brooke, who we all call Brookie-cookie. She and Nathan are two trouble-making peas in a pod. They were like two adorable wild monkeys all over the place!

Two crazy cuties later at lunch

Jen and I relished the chance to sit and catch up while they ran amok, and my amazingly sweet and ever thoughtful friend gave me a beautiful homemade mason jar vase with some flowers as an early Mother's Day gift. I love her caring and giving spirit, and I really want to be more like her when I grow up! =)

On Friday, I dropped Nate off with Kim and headed to Dillon's school for an event put on by his class called Muffins for Moms. Dill was so excited! The whole class had been practicing for weeks for this special event for Mom's, and they did not disappoint! First, the put on what they called "Reader's Theatre," where groups of kids got on stage and read some classic children's books. Each child had just a few lines at a time, and they rotated so smoothly that I could tell they had practiced hard!

After the reading time, we went into the classroom to watch an interview video that the teacher had put together. She asked the kids questions about their moms and recorded the responses. My sweet Dill told the camera that he was proud of me because I work hard and believe in God. I thought my heart was going to explode! Dill is such a wonderful little man.

Once the video was over, we finished the beautiful morning with a picnic lunch under the shady trees while he showed me all of the beautiful artwork he had made for me. I will cherish these special moments with my big boy. Sometimes it seems so hard for me to relate to him, he is growing so fast. But to have those precious times where he wants to snuggle with me under a tree in front of all his friends...that is the best gift of all.

I left Dill at school to finish his day and went back to Kim's house. Her daughter (and another of my dear friends) Kaitlyn had come over to let her boys play with Nate and spend some time with their grandma, who they call Moema. Kaitlyn's oldest boy JJ has been Nathan's best friend practically since birth. They are only three months apart in age and they love each other like brothers. (And occasionally fight like brothers too!) Kaitlyn is also a blogger and amazing photographer, make sure to check out her page www.kandjeveryday.com.

Friday night was a MUCH needed date night for Aaron and I. The boys were not sad to see us go, since as we left their beloved cousin Becca came over for a sleepover (along with her dad Alex). We decided to go to SAK Comedy Club for an improv show and had a great time! It was a lot of fun, and the tickets were almost the same as you would pay at a movie theatre! We will definitely be making SAK one of our go-to date spots!

On Saturday, the boys and Becca had a fun filled day playing with an inflatable water slide and kiddie pool. When Alex and Becca went home, we continued the fun heading to Jen's house for dinner. Another crazy busy but awesome day!

Sunday was Mother's Day, and I am going to be honest...I woke up miserable. My boys gave me their sweet cards and a pretty bracelet, and I did my best to hold it together. I had a terrible headache, and decided to stay home from church. In truth, I didn't want to go anyway. I couldn't bear the thought of people wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day." To me it seemed like it was a day to put a spotlight on all of the holes in my life. Not just losing Ryan, but also the passing of my mother three years ago. There was just too much pain and anger invoked by that one simple and innocent statement...and I couldn't take it. Let me explain...

My mother Robin was a beautiful, passionate, funny and loyal woman. She was also very deeply broken by her own tragic childhood. She turned to drinking, smoking, and prescription drugs as a way of self medication. She was physically abusive to all three of her children, but the worst scars that we carry are from the emotional warfare. I can still hear her voice in my head cutting me down to size at my every move.

My brother Ben, sister Jill, Aaron and I with mom at our rehearsal dinner in 2006

As the oldest of three children, I think I got to know who my mother really was under the mess better than my siblings. As time went on, she slipped further and further into the darkness, but every so often we would get a glimpse of the woman inside, the mother we longed for. But she was just too broken, and she would inevitably go back into the mess. Eventually, her lifestyle choices caught up to her, and three years ago, she passed away from throat cancer. For a long time, I didn't know how to feel about her death...part of me wanted to hate her, to be glad she was gone. But the part of me that really knew the Robin trapped inside the insanity...that part of me was broken to the core when she was gone. Friends and some family members couldn't understand why I would mourn her after all of the terrible things she said and did to us. Others just seemed to be watching me, waiting for me to slip up and prove that I was going to turn out like her. I was left with this tangled up knot of emotions every time I thought of her...anger, pain, love, hatred, and overwhelming guilt.

So, fast forward to this past Sunday. I wanted nothing more than to hide under the covers until Mother's Day was just a memory. Of course I couldn't do that to my family. We had a nice lunch at Red Robin (yum!) and spent some time at Aaron's parents house to give gifts and cards to my sweet mother in law. Inside I wrestled with my conflicting emotions...

My sweet sweet Dilly and I at Red Robin

What I realized was that I am turning out like her, and that's what makes me miss her so much. I don't mean I am becoming a rage filled alcoholic, but I see so much of the real Robin in who I am today. It is from her that I get my sense of humor, my fierce protectiveness of those I love, the joy I find in cooking for people, and my appreciation for a great book and a bubble bath. Those parts of her, and so much more, are what make me wish with all my heart that I could pick up the phone and call her when the kids do something funny, or for no reason at all. Just as the God that created the universe chooses to love me despite of how I fail Him each and every day, I am choosing to love and forgive my mother in spite of all the pain. I am so blessed to be forgiven and accepted in spite of my shortcomings, and I need to extend my mother the same grace I have been given.

Mom and I in 2011

When I sat down to write this post, I fully intended to gloss over the whole Mother's Day thing and keep it "light and fluffy" this time. But as I wrote I was overcome by this need to share the story, and I have to believe that was from God, because I absolutely did not want to do it! Thank you for indulging me and allowing me to share my heart. I pray that it might touch someone else's heart and maybe help them reconcile their own tangled up mess of emotions. Thanks for listening, and I will talk to you again soon. <3